Psyched Out

Expect this Journal entry to be somewhat disorganized and random. I'm having all kinds of different responses to the experience of application, admission, financial aid and now at last the first week of class. This is my first class in 11 years, and I'm overjoyed to be in grad school. After being the first person in the history of my extended family privileged to attend college and earn a Bachelor's degree, I'm aiming to be the first of many generations to come to have a Master's degree as well.

I earned my psychology BS at a competitive and very serious program in a huge research oriented public university. I can count on one hand the number of times I heard a joke in class and more than slightly smiled. Spending an hour and a half in class belly laughing nonstop is quite a contrast. I love it though, and it confirms that GVSU is the perfect school for me. Of all the imaginings of what grad school would be like, I never envisioned gasping-for-breath laughing playing a part!

I have worked pretty hard at cultural competency in my social work practice as well as life in general. I recognize that my life as a middle class white woman is extremely privileged in most ways. Most of the white people I encounter either don't recognize or completely reject white privilege. I don't have to dress up to be accepted as a peer by most people. I don't get speeding tickets if I drive through the "wrong" town/part of town at 1mph (or 0 mph) over the speed limit. I can travel to rural Michigan areas without fear. Recently a work friend moved to Caledonia, and an African American work friend said sadly that she won't be able to go to the new house, because it might not be safe for her.

I live in a white flight neighborhood and cherish the diversity my twins are growing up with. I grew up in an all white school district in Iowa. My twins' schoolmates are of every race, and it definitely helps them naturally learn that all people deserve respect and civil rights.

Last summer I went to a "neighborhood meeting" of all white renters and (mostly) landlords airing their mostly racist grievances, except one AA woman. She attended and pointed out the total lack of police service her small son received when a teenager pushed him off his bike in front of an officer in a SQUAD CAR 10 feet away who didn't help the child. Nobody but me seemed to believe that her six year old really encountered any discrimination. After several people complained fearfully about "gang activity" I had to explain that 5 black boys laughing in a front yard is NOT a gang, any more than 5 white boys. The police at least backed me up on that one. I have a good deal more in common with my mostly African American neighbors than with most local middle class white people. I share the working class background, the experience of being poorer than most of my classmates growing up, and many of the same non-CRC values such as expressing emotions openly.

When we needed to find a daycare provider fast while the kids were 3, the white sitters in our area were all kind of anal retentive. One said that she made the (preschooler) kids walk at least three miles a day regardless of the weather. Another told us that our twins must have been lying to us when they reported that their immediately-fired babysitter spanked Teddy on the bare bottom for a peeing accident on the carpet, and that J--- "broke my penis." She said, "Oh, kids will make those things up to get out a situation." One even criticized our barely potty trained son because "You should stand up to pee, like other boys. Boys don't sit down like girls." Hello, sexism! Love that implication that being like a girl is a bad thing. Brenda, our African American daycare provider since then, is a degreed early education teacher who worked Head Start programs for over ten years before having her youngest child. We're really lucky she decided to stay at home with Dontrell, because Katie and Teddy have really benefited from her care and education. They were more than prepared to start kindergarten.

I still have a lot of areas to work on, though. I know very few people of Asian descent or immigration. I'm vaguely aware of very different family structures than are typical in other Michigan families. I know not to lump all Latinos together, but I don't know much about different Latino populations. I despise corporate welfare thriving while most of my clients can't afford medication or safe housing with their disability income.I am prejudiced against rich people, and aware that I need to work on this. One example and I'll stop writing! This is from a recent post I wrote on my blog:


Privelege Overflowing Like A Shit Filled Toilet


I work with a new client who has gone from making six figures and having three jaguars to being on disability ($1300/mo). He comes from an EXTREMELY wealthy family in the richest suburb in my state. His siblings are emotionally supportive and one of his brothers is his payee, but they don't help him financially at all despite stunning personal wealth. Someone in the hospital told him and his sister that my agency would pay for all his medication, which is a blatant falsehood. Now he and his family are FURIOUS. They refuse to believe that medical providers are not liable for providing him free medication. The sister's husband is a malpractice attorney, and they keep threatening to sue. I'm silently thinking, "Knock yourselves out. Nobody has a responsibility to pay for his medication except him. I personally hate that, but that's the way it is until we have universal health care."

I explained that I don't like it when homeless and indigent people can't get the medicine they need and live in fear and anxiety and depression and psychosis. I don't like it when it happens to formerly wealthy people either. I used my standard social work line, "All the people I work with are equally important to me." This works for both people who have self esteem trouble or depression (meaning "You are just as important") and with extremely entitled or narcissistic people (meaning "You are not more important").

So I spent an hour and a half of my life that I'll never get back saying "no" to people who would not accept that because basically nobody has ever said no to them before in their whole lives. Among the things said to me (followed by my internal reaction in ALL CAPS just to demonstrate how I was screaming replies in my head while apparently patient and calm.)

"This is just reverse discrimination."

UM, HELLO, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS REVERSE DISCRIMINATION.

""If he were a black woman he'd get his medication from you for free." I did raise my voice a little saying, "Absolutely not!"

ABSOLUTELY NOT. AT LEAST A THIRD OF MY PATIENTS GO WITHOUT DESPERATELY NEEDED MEDICATION BECAUSE THEY ARE POOR BUT DON'T QUALIFY FOR MEDICAID OR MEDICARE. RACE AND GENDER ARE NOT RELEVANT IN THAT AREA. NOBODY GETS SPECIAL TREATMENT OR SPECIAL SERVICE FROM ME, INCLUDING YOU. SORRY IF HEARING NO AND COPING WITH IT IS NOT A SKILL YOUR PARENTS TAUGHT YOU. IT'S OFTEN HARDER TO LEARN IN ADULTHOOD.

"I didn't think we had welfare anymore."

YEP, THAT WOULD BE THE EXACT PROBLEM YOUR BROTHER IS HAVING AS WE SPEAK.

AND YOU'RE THE FUCKERS WHO VOTED TO DISMANTLE OUR SOCIAL SAFETY NET. YOU'RE ALSO THE ONES WHO VOTED IN AND INVESTED IN FOR PROFIT HEALTH CARE AND INSURANCE. AND THEN VOTED RESTRICTIONS FOR PERSONAL BANKRUPTCY WHEN THOSE FOR PROFIT MEDICAL BILLS MORE THAN DOUBLED IN COST, MAKING THE MAJORITY OF FILERS DECLARE BANKRUPTCY BECAUSE OF MEDICAL BILLS.

"[Psych hospital] and Community Mental Health and you are liable if you don't give him free medications and he gets sick again. You are responsible for guaranteeing his well-being."

HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OWN WELL-BEING. BLOOD KIN, WHEN THEY EXIST, GENERALLY STEP UP TO THE PLATE AND HELP THEIR DISABLED LOVED ONES. IF YOU WON'T, NOBODY ELSE CAN. DID I MENTION THAT YOU'RE THE FUCKERS WHO MADE DAMN SURE OF IT? BY DESTROYING THE ALREADY MEAGER SOCIAL SAFETY NET. REAGAN, BUSH, W AND YOU ARE TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS SITUATION.


Okay, venting over! Time to go to bed. :)