Psyched Out

Thanks to all of you who have given me support online and off. It has cheered me up quite a bit.

I have my disability placard and I'm grateful for it. I only use it if I need to because no other parking spots are reasonably close. I still feel better for the most part fighting the physical decline instead of giving in to it. The fight just keeps getting harder though. As I contemplate possibly not being able to walk anymore I appreciate more than ever the independence it brings and the blessing that it is.

I went to my psych NP and so far the cross taper is going well, although there's no sign that the muscle thing is getting better. Unfortunately, I can't just decide to stay on this class of medicines and be physically disabled, it turns out. J is concerned that they might affect my smooth muscle as well as skeletal. Which includes my heart muscle. :( She did say that it is too soon to tell. At least I've got a proven record of not getting addicted to benzos when I took a modest dose for three years. They didn't prevent anxiety like the atypicals do, but they did treat it effectively.

I'm struggling with doubts that the medication is the real culprit, and wondering what the next step is in searching for a diagnosis. I need to bring up the scooter issue with my PCP, but I'm still afraid that he'll think I'm hypochondriac or lazy because I'm fat. Maybe I'll just have Ed come with me. I hate that I feel like I need someone to vouch for me, but that's the reality. It sure throws my feminism for a loop though. I suppose that if Ed were in the same condition he would want me there. I do think Krista is right that there is medical discrimination toward middle aged women, especially if they are fat.